Part XXV

They drove the rest of the way to his dorm in silence, and ascended the hill and stairs to his room.  “Fuck,” Xander breathed as he laid down on his bed.

“Can’t you park out front so you don’t have to walk up the hill?” Cee asked him as she perched on his desk chair.

Xander waited a few minutes to catch his breath before answering.  “I always forget to move my car in the morning and end up getting a ticket.  As much as it sucks, I’d rather haul my fat ass up that hill than keep giving my money to the parking authority.”

“Oh.  That sucks.  Well, what do you want to do now?”

Xander’s stomach growled in answer, and he felt his cheeks flame with embarrassment. 

“Want me to pop something in the microwave for you?” she asked.

“No, I’ll do it,” he said, resigned.  “Doesn’t it disgust you?”  He rose from his bed and pulled open his refrigerator.

“What are you talking about?”

“The fact that I literally just ate enough for two or three people, and I’m still hungry.  It has to disgust you.”  He looked over at her, sitting at his desk, twirling her flame-colored locks between her fingertips.  Her cheeks were still rosy from the cold, and her eyes were shining.

“It doesn’t,” she insisted.  “You’re a big guy, you need to eat more to keep you going,” she said, shrugging.

He shook his head as he pulled a frozen pizza out of his fridge.  “Your logic is flawed.  I’m a ‘big guy’ because I eat more than I need to keep going.”  He peeled the plastic off the pizza and arranged it in his microwave, and started the cooking timer.

“So what?”

“So what?  So, logically, I’m only going to stay big, and probably get bigger, because I eat more than I need to.  I should be trying to get smaller, not allowing myself to get bigger,” he said somewhat desperately.  What was wrong with him?  He felt like he was on the edge of a breakdown.  Why couldn’t she just agree with him?

Cee stood up and came over to where Xander was standing before the fridge and grabbed his hand.  “Pudge, you’re fine just the way you are.  You’re sweet, you’re intelligent, and you’re attractive.”

He snorted.  “You think I’m attractive.”

She wrapped her arms around his waist – or, at least, tried to.  They didn’t make it anywhere near around him.  She hugged him, her whole body squishing into his fat.

Xander instantly tensed up.  “What are you doing?”

“I’m giving you a hug,” she said, her voice muffled by his moobs.

“Wh…why?”

She looked up at him, her eyes sad.  “Because you need one.”  She reached up and brushed a tear off his cheek.

He stared down at her, baffled by both of their actions.  Here he was, crying in front of a beautiful girl, and here was said beautiful girl, hugging his morbidly obese body.  She gave him another squeeze, still looking up at him.

The microwave beeped.

He pulled away from her and opened the microwave and removed his pizza.  He sat back down on his bed and immediately began stuffing his face.  In the space of minutes, his pizza was gone, and he was gazing forlornly at the floor.

“You okay?” she asked him gently.

“I’m just…I’m just tired.”

She walked over and sat down next to him and started rubbing soothing circles into his back.  “Do you want to go to bed?”

“No, I mean…I’m just tired…of this.”

“Of hating yourself.”

He didn’t answer.

“You don’t have to, you know,” she told him.  “Everyone tries to make you think otherwise, but it’s not a requirement for existing.  I’m not going to lie, it’s hard to do – it’s a decision that you have to make every single day.  But you can do it.  If I could do it, so can you.”

“What could you possibly have to hate yourself about?  You’re…you’re perfect.”

She laughed.  “You’re sweet.  I told you, there are many things wrong with me.  But I choose to embrace them as just a part of who I am.  Your being big…it’s just a part of who you are.  You’d be different if you weren’t.”

“I’d be accepted if I weren’t.  My life would be easier if I weren’t.”

“I’m not going to lie to you and tell you that that’s not true.  But you have friends, y’know.  Rhys is your friend.  Your sister is your friend.  I’m your friend.  Instead of having a bunch of fake friends who don’t really care about you, you have a few friends who really care.  That’s pretty damn awesome.”

“But my parents…my parents think I’m revolting,” he said, his voice cracking a bit.

Cee grasped his hand.  “We don’t get to choose our families,” she said, with some regret.  “But for some reason, you got put with yours.  Maybe to teach you that you can’t listen to what everybody else says.  You have to decide about yourself, yourself.”

“You’re awfully sure of yourself about all this.”

She shrugged.  “I’ve done a lot of soul-searching in my short time on this planet.  I know I come off flighty and kind of obnoxious, but I’ve really thought about all this stuff.  Killing evil creatures from another dimension your whole life will do that to a girl.”

Xander looked at her.  “You’re definitely not what I thought you were.” 

She grinned at him.  “And what did you think I was?”

“I thought you were just a bitch, at first, to be honest.  The way you talked about my eating…but you were never really mean.  Just very, uh, frank.”

“I know I’m blunt sometimes.  I’m sorry.  I guess I just assumed that if you were doing it, you were okay with it.  Which you should be.”

He hung his head.  “How do you…how do you stop feeling embarrassed, though?”

“That’s a tough one,” she said.  “I still get embarrassed.”

“About what?” he asked curiously.  “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you embarrassed.”

“A lot of things.  It’s not important,” she said.  “What’s important is that you just keep making that choice to be okay with yourself.  And just remember, most people are as concerned with how others see them as you are…meaning everybody’s too busy thinking about themselves to really worry about what you’re doing.”

“I never thought about it like that,” Xander considered.  “But still…those girls at the movies today…”

“Those kinds of people are so busy worrying about what other people think of them, they try to distract everyone by throwing someone else under the bus.”

“But I’m always going to be that person who gets thrown under the bus.  I mean, I fall pretty far outside the definition of ‘average,’ no matter how you look at it.”

“That’s what you have me for,” she told him with a grin, “to kick anyone’s ass who bothers you.”

He laughed a bit.  “I think if anyone should be assuming the role of bodyguard, it’s me.  You don’t exactly look the part, whereas I…”

“You wanna be my bodyguard?” she asked playfully, reaching over and tickling his belly.

Xander immediately pulled away, his hands going protectively to his bulging abdomen, all thoughts of her reassurances evaporating from his mind while, at the same time, he felt a warm little tingle.

“I’m sorry - I…I shouldn’t have…” Cee immediately apologized.  “Wait.”

Xander’s face was flaming.

“You…you like that!”

“Cee –“

She was looking at him with a sly grin on her face.  “You were just thinking –“

“Please, don’t say it.”

“Oh, Xander…”

He stood up and walked over to the other side of the room, not looking at her.  She followed him.

“Xander, it’s okay,” she said comfortingly.  “It’s normal to like being touched by another human being.”

“Not there,” he muttered.  “Not for me.”

“What, just because you’re big?”

“Stop it!” he blew up.  “I’m not just ‘big!’  I’m hugely, repulsively, morbidly obese!  I weigh almost four hundred pounds!  That’s more than double what I should weigh!  I’m sickening!  None of what you said applies to me, because I don’t deserve it!”

She was quiet for a moment.  “Why don’t you think you deserve it?”

He didn’t answer.

“Because you like being big, and you feel like that makes you a freak.”

“It does make me a freak,” he mumbled bitterly.  “You’re not supposed to like being fat.”

“’Not supposed to?’  Who cares what you’re ‘not supposed to’ do?  I usually take someone telling me I’m not supposed to do something as a challenge to do it,” she told him defiantly.

“This is just too…too weird,” he said, shaking his head.

“It’s just a part of who you are, Xander.”

“Yeah, well, what if I don’t want it to be?”

“You do realize that you’re basically hating yourself because you like yourself, right?  That’s pretty damn silly.”

“You don’t understand.”

She turned him around and gazed into his eyes.  “I do understand.  I…I understand.”  She reached up and grazed her fingers across his cheek, then pulled his head down and kissed him.