“Xander, I can’t believe you actually came out of your cave!” Rhys exclaimed as they approached the frat house, which was brightly lit and pumping with music.
“Yeah, well…neither can I, really,” Xander replied, tugging anxiously at his new shirt.
“So do you think you’re going to pledge?” his friend pestered.
“I don’t know, Rhys. Probably not. I’m too antisocial to do this kind of thing on a regular basis.”
“Aw, come on, man, it’d be good for you. Y’know,” Rhys reasoned, adjusting his glasses, “get to meet some girls.”
Xander raised his eyebrows, looking down at Rhys. He was rail thin and a good six inches shorter than Xander, who was 6’3”. While his tendencies towards nerdiness weren’t extreme, they were definitely there. That was how the two of them had come to be friends: freshman year, they’d both practically lived in the library, and had struck up a conversation when Rhys had seen Xander reading an obscure science fiction novel that he was a big fan of.
Rhys frowned at him. “Don’t tell me you’re still hung up on August.”
He shrugged.
“Come on, big guy, I thought she was with your roommate?”
“Past tense.”
“She finally caught on, eh?”
“Yeah.”
His friend’s frown deepened. “Look, Xander, do you really want to do that to yourself?”
Xander chose not to answer, as by that time, they were ascending the steps to the huge old building that had been the Omicron Delta Epsilon house for the entirety of the college’s history.
He didn’t share much of the inner workings of his brain with anyone, even Rhys, whom he considered to be a good friend. But Rhys was very observant, and had watched Xander watching August for two years now. It hadn’t taken him long to ask him why he didn’t pursue her. Xander had given an evasive answer about different social circles, but Rhys had inquired about August’s past paramours enough to know that the main reason was his size. August had never been involved with anyone who was anything less than GQ cover material. He’d never brought it up to him, but Xander knew that he knew. His line of “why don’t you go after her?” had changed to “she’s a frat girl, big guy, don’t waste your time.”
A nice way of saying she’d never be interested in a fatty like him.
But now she was…or, at least, he thought she was. She wouldn’t have made out with him if she wasn’t interested, right? He shook his head as they stepped into the house. She had to be into him. He’d just have to find her tonight and figure out if she just wanted something casual, or if, as he hoped, she was looking for something more.
He received a few greetings as they mingled through the crowd, but more often than not Rhys was introducing him to this group of people or that. Despite his eccentricities, Rhys was a far more social creature than Xander was, and actually had a fairly good chance of making it into any fraternity on campus. Xander half-heartedly greeted these people who, under any other circumstances, wouldn’t have even looked at him, let alone spoken to him. Rhys had a way of making friends with anyone. Xander thought he’d be a great politician someday.
But after an hour of being introduced to everyone from the guy who wore the school’s mascot suit to the president of the fraternity (the quarterback of the football team, who gave Xander a disgusted look), he still hadn’t seen August. He was beginning to worry that she’d changed her plans as he poured himself another beer from the keg, his eyes scanning the main living space, which was crowded with people. But then he caught sight of a flash of blonde hair, and, sure enough, there she was, over in the corner talking to a group of her sorority sisters.
A steel trap of nerves immediately snapped over his stomach as he debated going over and talking to her. On one hand, he thought he would explode if he couldn’t be near her soon. On the other, the girls she was standing with were not exactly his biggest fans. The one to her left, Krissy, had made a hog joke one day in the cafeteria when he’d gone up for a second tray, and the one next to her, the brunette whose name he thought was Kyla, had had the misfortune of being directly in his path when he’d turned a corner in the Neuman building a few weeks ago. He’d knocked her to the ground and spilled her coffee, and she’d shrieked about him needing to watch where he put his fat ass. He’d apologized, of course, and had offered to buy her another coffee, but she’d huffed off, muttering about how gross fat people were.
He didn’t really want to lay his soul bare to August in that kind of company.
So he tried to watch them without being too creepy, and waited, sipping his beer. Finally, after about twenty minutes, some guys from the soccer team came over to talk to them, and August excused herself, holding up her cup to indicate that she was getting more to drink. Xander nonchalantly positioned himself at the keg again, refilling his red plastic cup, and turned around when he could smell her sweet scent right behind him.
“Oh, hey, Xander!”
“Hey, August.”
She smiled at him. “Wow, I never thought I’d run into you at one of these things.”
“Yeah, I’m not exactly a regular. Rhys dragged me along.”
“Ah, Rhys. I hear ODE really wants him,” she said. “He’s a fun guy.”
“Yeah, he is.”
She looked him up and down somewhat oddly. “You look nice. Is that a new shirt?”
He blushed, suddenly feeling huge. “Um, yeah,” he replied simply.
“It’s nice,” she said politely.
And “nice” is code for “it makes you look like a whale,” he thought dismally.
They made small talk for a few minutes about classes, and then August said, “Hey, can I ask you something?”
Xander tensed up, hopeful that the conversation was turning to their relationship. “Sure,” he said.
“Um… Do you know if Adrian
Maybe she just doesn’t want to have to see him, he reasoned with himself before he could panic. “Uh, he said he might stop by later. He and his friends were going to the Brew Haus tonight. But they’ll probably be there until at least one, so if you don’t want to run into him…”
“Oh,” she said, looking somewhat disappointed. “Well, actually, I wanted to talk to him. I don’t know, I think I might have been overreacting before. I mean, Chelsea
Xander found himself incapable of a response as his stomach churned and his internal temperature controls went haywire.
August continued, “I mean, I really, really like him…and I know that he really likes me, too. I think we just have to get things straight and work it out.” She looked at him. “Are you okay?”
“I-I… Uh, y-yeah,” he stuttered out, trying to mask his distress.
“Are you sure?” She furrowed her brow. “Xander, you didn’t…you didn’t think that…that you and I…” Her eyes widened with realization. “Oh, Xander…”
“No, no, not at all.”
“I mean, I was upset, and…and you were there… It didn’t mean anything, you know? We’re just friends.”
“Oh, yeah, I know that.”
“I’m so sorry…”
“No, it’s okay, I’m okay. Don’t worry about it.” He took a deep breath and tried to stop the room from spinning. “Well, good luck. I, uh…I have to go find Rhys. Have fun.” He turned and walked away without waiting for her reply.
The room swam before his eyes as he stumbled through the crowd towards the door, thinking of nothing but being outside in the fresh air. The smell of the place began to overcome his senses, and he was finding it difficult to breathe.
“Xander? Hey, Xander! What’s wrong? You look like shit, man.” Rhys was suddenly at his side, following him as he shoved his way through the horde of buzzed co-eds. “I saw you over there talking to August; what happened?”
Xander felt his stomach lurch at the mention of her name. “Nothing. Not feeling well. Don’t worry about me, just stay and have fun. I’ll talk to you later,” he told him, the finality in his voice leaving no room for negotiation.
“Okay, well…let me know later if you’re alright!” Rhys called after him as he exited the building.
The cool October air wrapped around him, the scent of the dying leaves trying valiantly to clear the stench out of his lungs as he began to walk. He didn’t know where he was going, but he couldn’t stay still, and he couldn’t go back to his room. Adrian
He walked for some time, uncaring of his direction, until he found himself in front of a diner. His stomach growled hungrily, demanding sustenance. Well, who cares, he told himself angrily. I’m never going to be anything but a big fat tub of lard that nobody wants, so why not?
He went inside and got a table, trying desperately to distract himself from the fact that he couldn’t comfortably fit in a booth and had to get a table with loose chairs on one side. After barely glancing at the menu, he told the waitress that he wanted a large soda, a stack of pancakes, a plate of fried chicken, mashed potatoes, fried apples, and three slices of cheesecake. He could feel the strange look she gave him, but chose to ignore it, looking at the ads on the paper placemat she’d laid in front of him instead.
Soon his food was in front of him, and he began to wolf it down mindlessly, taking comfort in the familiar and delicious tastes and smells. A voice in the back of his mind told him he shouldn’t be doing this, but he firmly told it to shut the hell up.
He was on his second-to-last slice of cheesecake when a voice spoke from across the table. “Y’know, most people would just go and get drunk.”
Xander flinched, dropping his fork as he looked up from his plate. Greenish-gold eyes stared back at him, framed by long, wavy red hair. The girl from the mall. He instantly returned his gaze to the plate, his face burning. “What do you want?”
She ignored his question, and continued. “Seriously, this is kind of pathetic. Your little crush turns you down, and your way of dealing is to go and stuff yourself silly?”
He felt panic and mortification beginning to course through his veins, increasing the redness in his face. “How…”
“Also,” she continued, “this little coping strategy of yours is probably the reason you had to go up a size today.”
Anger joined the other emotions bubbling inside him. “Go away. Leave me alone.”
“Sorry, Pudge, we’ve got business to attend to.”
“That’s not my name.” He itched to continue eating his cheesecake, but stopped himself. He didn’t need any more embarrassment. And he could finish it after he got rid of her.
“I know it’s not your name. Your name is Xander Lucas Rockwood. But I’m going to call you Pudge, because it’s more suited to your physical attributes.” She gave him a grin. “I need you to come with me.”
“Why?”
“It’s a little difficult to explain here, especially when your attention is more focused on your dessert than on what I have to tell you. So why don’t you finish cramming that down, and we’ll get out of here and discuss things?”
He glared at her. She was gorgeous, so there had to be some kind of catch.
“I don’t know who you are or anything about you, and I don’t really want to. Go away,” he repeated.
She smirked at him. “Wow, is that how you talk to all the girls?” She batted her eyelashes. “Seriously, Pudge, this is important.”
“Look,” he told her, “I’ve had a shitty day, and I don’t need it made worse. Go make fun of someone else, just leave me alone.” He picked up his fork and dug into his cheesecake again, trying to make it clear that he wasn’t going to speak to her anymore.
He could feel her exasperation with him. “I’m not making fun of you, gosh. I really need you to come with me. I’m serious.”
“Yeah, well so am I,” he growled through clenched teeth, glowering at her. “Get the hell away from me. I’m not falling for the way-too-good-for-me-beautiful-girl-magically-appearing-with-promises-to-make-my-life-better shtick. Go get your jollies tormenting some other fat loser, because this one has reached his bullshit limit for the day. So screw off.”
Xander threw a few bills for a tip onto the table, grabbed his plate of cheesecake and the bill and stood, shoving the chair under and not bothering to look for a reaction from the girl. He stopped and grabbed a takeout container at the waitress’ station and dumped his dessert into it, then took his bill to the counter and paid.
Please don’t follow me, please don’t follow me, he thought over and over as he lumbered down the concrete steps into the damp, neon-lit night air. Something about the girl had genuinely unsettled him, but he couldn’t figure out what. Just don’t think about it, he told himself. He tried to find a different place for his mind to focus on, but it immediately illuminated August’s face and the brief expression of disgust that he’d sworn he’d seen pass across it when she’d realized that he’d thought they could be together.
“Stupid,” he muttered aloud as he stalked along the sidewalk, barely watching where he was going. “Stupid, fat idiot. What the hell were you thinking?”
“Hey…hey, Xan!” a slurred voice called from up ahead. “Xander…’zat you?”
He felt as if he sank four inches into the concrete as Adrian Adrian
“Dude…” his roommate began loudly, trying to be heard over his friends, who were jeering at Xander. “What’s up, dude?”
“Nothing. Headed back to the room.”
“Dude…you’re-“ he hiccupped, “you’re really…really fat, d’you know that? You’re like…seriously…like huge, man.”
“Yeah, he’s a real porker!” a tall, muscular guy spit out, laughing.
Xander felt like vomiting. “I gotta go, Adrian
But his roommate kept going, gazing glassy-eyed at Xander’s midsection. “Like…I seriously wonder…how you fit through the door. And dude!” He swiped at the bag in Xander’s hand. “You totally got…got food, didn’t you?”
He sunk a finger into Xander’s belly. “Geeeeeeez,” he drawled. “D’you really think you shoulda…should eat that shit?”
Humiliated, Xander took a few steps back, clenching his fists as hard as he could. He turned around and took off in the other direction at as fast a pace as he could manage without getting too out of breath, wishing desperately that he could just drop out of his current plane of existence and into nothingness.
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