"Xander!" Lexi shrieked, not even bothering to shut the door of Jared's tiny Honda before she rushed to the porch and attacked him with a bear hug, her light freesia scent filling his head.
"Hey, Lexi," he said, returning her embrace.
"I missed you so frakkin' much," she told him, her usage of a slang term from their favorite show muffled by his shirt. She finally pulled away and jumped up to ruffle his hair.
He grinned at her, shaking his head as he raked his fingers through his now-messy hair. "I missed you, too." His grin faded as he caught her eyes momentarily fix on his middle before rising to his face again, and he tugged the thin, stretched fabric of his t-shirt away from his belly in an automatic gesture.
"How are you, brother?" she asked, and he could see the sadness evident as a twisting grey smoke in the lavender sparkle of her energy.
His cheeks warmed, but he answered her with all the confidence he could muster. "Good. Really good. Having a pretty nice vacation from...everything....here. How are you?"
"Also having an awesome vacation from our asshole parents," she said, reaching for Jared's hand as he approached.
"Hey, Xander, nice digs," he said, nodding at the big old house. "How's it going?"
"Alright. How about you?"
"I'm awesome. I finally heard back from Cornell about my lacrosse scholarship: I got a full ride," Jared said, flipping his sandy hair off his face with a wide grin.
"Holy shit, man, that's amazing. Congratulations!"
"Thanks! I still half don't believe it, but I'll take it."
Lexi wrapped her arm around her boyfriend's slender waist and leaned into him, beaming. "So now I can finally officially accept my admission there, too. I'm so excited!"
His sister's promise ring glowed in the sunlight as she brought her hand up to Jared's chest, and Xander couldn't help but smile. "I'm really happy for you guys. I'm so glad you'll get to be at the same school."
"Us, too. Not that Jared's parents haven't been completely gracious and wonderful about letting me stay there, but having that to look forward to really helps."
Concern wrinkled Xander's brow as he answered. "You still haven't spoken to them?"
She shook her head, and the delicate freesia of her energy drooped even though she maintained her outward composure. "Haven't even seen them. I went over to get more of my stuff when they were out for New Year's Eve. You?"
A knife of guilt buried itself in his stomach. "Nothing. There must be twenty voicemails from them that I haven't listened to. I...I can't."
"Hey." He felt her hand slip into his. "You're doing the right thing. They're the ones who are being completely unreasonable and awful. You don't deserve that shit. There's nothing wrong with you."
He felt blood rush to his cheeks as he looked at the ground and remained silent, his resolve to be who and what he wanted to be wavering as he pictured his parents suddenly losing both their children.
Lexi sighed, but changed the subject. "So whose house is this? Or should I say mansion? This is kind of crazy."
"Um, it belongs to the family of my...my...friend..." His explanation stammered to a halt as he led them inside the dim foyer and hung their coats on the rack for them.
"Okay," his sister drawled, "does your friend have a name? It's not Rhys, is it? I thought he lived out of state."
"No..." They entered the big living room to see Ling and Kai moving furniture. "Oh. What are you guys doing?"
Ling blew a stray lock of hair out of her face and smiled. "Good morning. Cee told us that you were having visitors, so we decided to reconfigure things in here to make it a bit more comfortable." She and Kai gave a taupe sectional one more shove before approaching Xander, Lexi, and Jared. "You must be Xander's sister, and her boyfriend," she said warmly as she shook Lexi's hand and then Jared's. "I'm Ling. It's so nice to meet you both."
"Likewise," Jared said, and introduced himself and Lexi.
Kai introduced himself similarly, and Lexi spoke up. "So how do you all know each other?"
"My sister Cee goes to school with your brother," Kai explained, "so he's been spending a lot of time here. I'm just visiting for the holidays, but Cee, Ling, and two other guys - Ken and Darshan, who aren't here right now - all live here."
Xander felt his sister's curious glance when Kai said that he'd been spending a lot of time there, and, unsure of how to react, resolutely ignored it. "Where is Cee?" he asked.
"She's in the kitchen making brunch for everyone," Ling said. "She said she didn't get a chance to make something just for you, so she figured she'd make something for everyone. Go ahead out, we can finish up in here. I know Cee's excited to meet them."
"Brunch..." He gulped, eyes darting to Lexi and Jared before he motioned for them to follow him. He swung the kitchen door inwards and was immediately ensnared by the aroma of melted butter and cinnamon. Cee was at the stove, the flyaway coils of copper at her hairline curling wildly in the steam wafting up from the enormous frying pan full of scrambled eggs, griddle, and several towers of French toast spread out around her. She whirled around at the sound of their entrance and grinned.
"Good morning!" she exclaimed. She rested the spatulas she was holding on an empty plate and embraced both Lexi and Jared. "I'm Cee. It's so nice to meet you! I hope you guys are hungry."
Xander stared wide-eyed at Cee as the trio exchanged greetings.
"We totally are," Jared confessed, gazing longingly at the feast-in-progress. "We only had Pop-Tarts this morning before we left. That looks so great."
"Scrambled eggs and cinnamon raisin French toast. And there's fresh coffee, and I'll put some tea on as soon as I'm done here. Your brother said you guys had kind of a long drive?"
Lexi answered her but kept looking at Xander. "It's a little over four hours from Jared's house, but it's not a bad drive. It's nice scenery, and we listen to podcasts and play stupid games to pass the time. And that does look awesome, geez, thank you. It's so great to meet more of Xander's friends."
"Well I'm glad the drive went well - I'm glad you came! This will be ready in just a minute or so; you guys can have a seat. Puh-" Her teeth sunk into her lower lip, biting off the word before she finished, and she turned back to the stove. "Xander, could you get some glasses out of the cabinet next to the fridge, please?"
Cheeks burning, he silently opened the cabinet and set out six glasses as Lexi and Jared seated themselves at the kitchen table. "Um, do you guys want orange juice?" Both said yes, so he opened the refrigerator door to retrieve the carafe, hiding his face for a moment in the cool air blowing softly from inside and trying not to panic.
He shakily poured for them and was returning the carafe when he felt a soft tendril of Cee's energy reaching out to him. "Come here," it seemed to say. He looked at her, and she did speak aloud. "Hey, can you reach the big blue serving platter in the cabinet above the stove here for me?"
"Uh, sure." He moved over next to her, taking care not to get too close and to turn his body so that Lexi and Jared wouldn't see his left hand clutching the hem of his shirt in place beneath his belly as he stretched up to grab the cabinet knob with his right.
"Are you okay?" Cee murmured.
He didn't know if he could answer her, so he instead focused on maneuvering the large plate out of the cabinet one-handed.
"I know you're worried about the chairs. It's okay, I fixed one for you. The one to the left of where my mug is."
"You 'fixed' it? What does that mean?" he muttered, noticing the frantic edge to his own words.
"I'll show you later. But it'll be okay, I promise." Her fingers grazed his left forearm, and emerald- and coral-colored, rosemary-scented warmth flowed from her touch and into his pounding heart, and he relaxed fractionally. "Alright, eggs are done. Would you let Ling and Kai know the food is ready?"
He nodded, and ducked his head through the door to tell Ling and Kai to come in. With another gulp, he turned back to face Jared, who was rubbing his hands eagerly and complimenting the delicious smells as Cee placed the food-laden platters on the table, and Lexi, who was watching him, her head tilted and her eyes fixed on him in that way she had of making him feel completely transparent. But then she turned to Cee, smiling. "This looks so yummy, Cee. Is that homemade cinnamon raisin bread?"
The others entered the kitchen, and Kai poured coffee for Lexi, Jared, and himself while Ling prepared tea, Cee divvied up the plates and utensils, and Xander stood back, trying to stay out of everyone's way. But in a few moments everyone was settled at the table but him. "Come sit, Xander," she said, gesturing encouragingly to the chair at the head of the table.
At least she knew better than to try to put me between people, he thought ruefully. At least I won't hurt anyone when my hippo-ass destroys the chair and possibly puts a dent in the floor.
He felt Cee's stern frown before he saw it, and, resigned, reached out to pull the chair back from the table. A faint buzzing emanated from the wood, and he felt energy course beneath his hand. With a gulp and a wordless prayer, he lowered his bulk. He grimaced when he felt the way his ass and thighs eclipsed the entire surface area of the seat and hung over the sides, but - magically, extraordinarily, unbelievably - it held, without so much as a creak to protest the burden of his four hundred-plus pounds. He exhaled in shock, releasing a bit of the tension he'd been holding in his core, and glanced at Cee, who said nothing but smiled.
The congenial chatter of everyone getting to know each other floated around him as he focused on keeping his breath even and taking small, slow forkfuls of Cee's rich creations. He could tell she'd used heavy cream in both the French toast and the eggs, and he was having a difficult time controlling himself. Three of each, he told himself again and again, only three. Three is reasonable. That looks like three eggs, and three pieces of French toast. Three is reasonable. Only three. Ling and Jared seemed to be hitting it off, bonding over lacrosse, and Kai and Lexi were already deep in discussion over some recent archaeological dig in Turkey. Three is reasonable, then you stop.
Cee's hand grasped his thick thigh chub beneath the table, and he looked up from his plate to see her forehead scrunched with worry, and she tilted her head inquisitively. He shook his head and set his fork down, snatching up his glass and downing half of his water. He didn't pick his fork up again.
Soon everyone was groaning contentedly, claiming they couldn't eat another bite and thanking Cee for the meal. Cee hopped to her feet to clear the plates, her worried frown returning as she picked up Xander's, which was still-half-full, but saying nothing.
"Why don't you all go and chat? Kai and I can take care of the cleanup," Ling offered.
"No, come on...at least let us watch the dishes?" Lexi said.
Ling waved her hand dismissively. "Nope. You should go spend time together; I know Xander was disappointed he didn't get to see you for Christmas."
Lexi acquiesced, giving her brother a quick, sad glance, and Xander, conscious of the precise reason they hadn't been able to see each other for Christmas, looked away. You let yourself get so huge that you couldn't even go home, he reminded himself. You can't go home, probably not ever again, all because -
Cee's fingers pressed into the firm roll of love handle fat that swelled over his jeans waistband. "Would anyone like some more coffee, or maybe some tea? Jared? Lexi? Okay, you guys head in and have a seat, I'll bring some out. Xander, would you help me?" She pulled him around to face her as their guests exited the room. "You know that's not your fault," she whispered. "Please, don't start beating yourself up again...please." She smoothed her hands across his, their warmth heating his own cold, clammy grip.
"I know," he sighed.
"I know you know it's not your fault, but you need to believe it, too." Her grip tightened, then released. "Let's go enjoy our time with them, okay?"
Xander nodded, and helped Cee prepare a tray of coffee, tea, cream, sugar, honey, and lemon, and carried it into the living room, where Lexi and Jared were seated together on Xander's usual couch. He saw with relief that the largest piece of the taupe sectional, which had previously been languishing in the mostly-unused front corner of the room, had been situated adjacent to the green couch, and the wooden side chairs moved against the wall. He placed the tray on the enormous chest that served as a coffee table, and lowered himself onto the large sofa, thoughtlessly grabbing a throw pillow to shield his round torso as he settled.
"There we go, help yourselves," Cee told them. "Ling just made a fresh batch of her rose mint tea, it's incredible. There's lavender in it, too."
"Ooh, that sounds amazing," Lexi said, leaning away from Jared to take a mug. "She makes it herself?"
"Yeah, she's great with herbs and spices. She makes a homemade chai blend that is literally like drinking a mug full of autumn," Cee gushed as she plopped down next to Xander and scooted close. "Why do you have that? You're a better pillow than a pillow," she told him, as if he should have known better, and pulled the small cushion from his protective grasp. She settled into his soft side, and he was almost too preoccupied by the feeling of half the blood in his body rushing to his face to notice her curious glance at Jared before she finished getting comfortable.
Lexi opened her mouth and closed it, then opened it again. "So, how did you two meet?"
Cee sipped her tea before responding. "We had a class together last semester. British literature. It was ridiculously boring and I probably wouldn't have passed if it hadn't been for your brother helping me keep all those stuffy Englishmen straight."
"Oh, so you're in, like, a study group together?" She raised an eyebrow, and Xander felt her energy harden to a diamond-like cast.
"No, not really." Cee patted his thigh with her free hand, allowing her fingers to linger there, and a bit of her own power flowed into him as a warm, crackling swirl. His own force responded automatically to meet hers in sparks of emerald and indigo behind his closed eyes.
He heard Lexi make a small noise, and he opened his eyes to look at her. She sat back and snuggled into Jared, who wrapped his arm around her waist. "That's Xander, always keeping his poor little sister in the dark," she said lightly.
"I didn't..." he trailed off, not knowing how to explain when he wasn't even sure what the situation was.
Lexi laughed at his distress, twisting her long, dark braid between her fingers. "I'm just giving you shit, brother."
"It is her specialty," Jared added, grinning. Lexi dropped her braid and gave his head a gentle shove, and they both laughed, then kissed.
"So," Cee said, "Xander tells me there's a ring I should see?"
Lexi blushed prettily and held out her hand to show Cee and Xander the iridescent gem on her left ring finger, and Jared's smiled widened proudly. "It's exactly what I wanted."
"Oh, it's gorgeous! Is that scorolite? Did you pick it out, or did Jared?"
"Wow, you've got a good eye," Jared said. "Yup, it's scorolite, and we picked it out together a few weeks ago. There's a little artisan jeweler the next town over who does really unique stuff, that's where we found it."
"He told me we were going for ice cream. I still made him take me for ice cream afterwards, of course," Lexi explained, laughing.
"You know I would never deny you ice cream," he told her, and squeezed her in his arms again.
Xander felt Cee's energy flare up slightly as she wriggled closer to him, shifting so that the tops of her fingers were just touching the flab that gushed out onto his lap. Warmth clashed with the sickening thud of shame in his chest as he saw both Lexi's and Jared's eyes perceive the contact as they turned their heads back, and his mind blurted, Please no don't draw attention to how enormous I've gotten please don't I'm disgusting I already know you don't have to tell me please don't tell me please -
Cee twitched next to him and cleared her throat, keeping her hand where it was. "I'm really happy for you guys. So did you have anything planned for while you're here? I guess you've probably done most of the touristy things, right? The museum, the campus sculpture garden..."
"Yeah, I honestly just want to hang out," Lexi said.
Xander felt her gaze on him, but resolutely stared at the steam still rising from the spout of the teapot on the tray in front of him. You can't even lean forward to make yourself a cup of tea, the nasty voice jeered, because you'll have to struggle over your massive fucking gut and get out of breath and everyone will see and they'll be revolted by what a damn pig you are -
"It really sucked not getting to see you for Christmas..." she trailed off before continuing. "I feel like it's been forever since I've seen you. I mean, it kind of has. The last time we really got to spend time together was back at the beginning of August before I had to leave for camp."
"Oh, wow, I didn't realize you hadn't been back home at all this semester, Xander," Cee said.
"I...couldn't go." The voice's volume increased until it was a roar in his ears, so loud he barely heard what Lexi said next.
"I know you couldn't. It's okay. I just missed you, is all, so I want to spend time with you now. You know we wouldn't have had a good time at home, anyway. Mom doesn't even bake cookies anymore, not even snowflake sparkles."
"Your mom doesn't make Christmas cookies?" Cee asked incredulously. "We were up to our ears in de- um, our drama final and we still made Christmas cookies!" She gently rubbed his thigh, her fingers dipping farther beneath the roll of his belly for a moment before returning to the same spot. "Hey," she said, turning her face to his, "did you get to have your tea yet?"
Ling had determined that, to start, he should drink two mugs per day of a less potent version of the tea she'd been making for him, her "adjusted tri-level," she called it. He shook his head, embarrassment bubbling up inside him.
"Ooh, you get a special tea? Haha, special-ty," Jared cracked.
"Oh my gosh, you are the corniest," Lexi scolded him, giggling.
Cee patted his thigh and hopped to her feet. "Yeah, he was getting a cold, and Ling makes something that'll knock it right out of you before it gets bad," she lied easily. "I'll go grab it for you, and I'll bring out our Christmas cookies. I think we've digested enough for a few, right?" She gave him an encouraging smile before disappearing into the kitchen.
"I like her," Lexi stated, smiling softly and twisting her braid between her fingers as she tucked her legs beneath her. "You get the little sister seal of approval."
"Yeah, she seems great," Jared added. "I'm happy for you, man."
"We don't - I mean, I d-don't know..." he stuttered as his cheeks reddened further, "it's...there's n-nothing...official. Or whatever."
His sister scoffed. "Please. She's crazy about you. It's obvious. And Xander...please," she told him, "please stop blaming yourself. I don't blame you for staying here. You know it would have been completely miserable at home. It was miserable, that's why I left."
"Yeah, but if I hadn't -"
"Stop," she interrupted fiercely, leaning towards him. "No. Stop doing that. You deserve to be happy. I deserve to be happy. And our parents don't care. They want us to be what they want us to be because they're not happy. And making them happy is not our responsibility. But it is our responsibility to make ourselves happy, and I'm done feeling guilty for wanting that. You should be, too."
Xander stared past his sister and out the window at the perfect blue of the winter sky beyond the slightly rippled glass in the old panes as the truth of what she said found a crack in the wall of self-loathing that had automatically begun building itself up around his heart again after it had collapsed last night and resolutely started chipping away. He knew she was right. Of course she was. But he'd spent his whole life doing precisely what she'd called him out on, and he knew it would take another lifetime of constant vigilance and Herculean effort to stave off continued inner mutinies against himself.
But. Wasn't it worth it? He thought of waking up that morning, the scent of fire and rosemary filling his awareness and the warmth of Cee's hands gently vibrating into his skin even before the pale, golden light of the cold sun outside revealed her slight form wrapped around him. As if summoned, the kitchen door swung outward and she appeared, a steaming mug in one hand and a green ceramic plate piled high with cookies in the other, and smiled at him, and he thought, yes, I suppose it's worth it.
"Hey, Lexi," he said, returning her embrace.
"I missed you so frakkin' much," she told him, her usage of a slang term from their favorite show muffled by his shirt. She finally pulled away and jumped up to ruffle his hair.
He grinned at her, shaking his head as he raked his fingers through his now-messy hair. "I missed you, too." His grin faded as he caught her eyes momentarily fix on his middle before rising to his face again, and he tugged the thin, stretched fabric of his t-shirt away from his belly in an automatic gesture.
"How are you, brother?" she asked, and he could see the sadness evident as a twisting grey smoke in the lavender sparkle of her energy.
His cheeks warmed, but he answered her with all the confidence he could muster. "Good. Really good. Having a pretty nice vacation from...everything....here. How are you?"
"Also having an awesome vacation from our asshole parents," she said, reaching for Jared's hand as he approached.
"Hey, Xander, nice digs," he said, nodding at the big old house. "How's it going?"
"Alright. How about you?"
"I'm awesome. I finally heard back from Cornell about my lacrosse scholarship: I got a full ride," Jared said, flipping his sandy hair off his face with a wide grin.
"Holy shit, man, that's amazing. Congratulations!"
"Thanks! I still half don't believe it, but I'll take it."
Lexi wrapped her arm around her boyfriend's slender waist and leaned into him, beaming. "So now I can finally officially accept my admission there, too. I'm so excited!"
His sister's promise ring glowed in the sunlight as she brought her hand up to Jared's chest, and Xander couldn't help but smile. "I'm really happy for you guys. I'm so glad you'll get to be at the same school."
"Us, too. Not that Jared's parents haven't been completely gracious and wonderful about letting me stay there, but having that to look forward to really helps."
Concern wrinkled Xander's brow as he answered. "You still haven't spoken to them?"
She shook her head, and the delicate freesia of her energy drooped even though she maintained her outward composure. "Haven't even seen them. I went over to get more of my stuff when they were out for New Year's Eve. You?"
A knife of guilt buried itself in his stomach. "Nothing. There must be twenty voicemails from them that I haven't listened to. I...I can't."
"Hey." He felt her hand slip into his. "You're doing the right thing. They're the ones who are being completely unreasonable and awful. You don't deserve that shit. There's nothing wrong with you."
He felt blood rush to his cheeks as he looked at the ground and remained silent, his resolve to be who and what he wanted to be wavering as he pictured his parents suddenly losing both their children.
Lexi sighed, but changed the subject. "So whose house is this? Or should I say mansion? This is kind of crazy."
"Um, it belongs to the family of my...my...friend..." His explanation stammered to a halt as he led them inside the dim foyer and hung their coats on the rack for them.
"Okay," his sister drawled, "does your friend have a name? It's not Rhys, is it? I thought he lived out of state."
"No..." They entered the big living room to see Ling and Kai moving furniture. "Oh. What are you guys doing?"
Ling blew a stray lock of hair out of her face and smiled. "Good morning. Cee told us that you were having visitors, so we decided to reconfigure things in here to make it a bit more comfortable." She and Kai gave a taupe sectional one more shove before approaching Xander, Lexi, and Jared. "You must be Xander's sister, and her boyfriend," she said warmly as she shook Lexi's hand and then Jared's. "I'm Ling. It's so nice to meet you both."
"Likewise," Jared said, and introduced himself and Lexi.
Kai introduced himself similarly, and Lexi spoke up. "So how do you all know each other?"
"My sister Cee goes to school with your brother," Kai explained, "so he's been spending a lot of time here. I'm just visiting for the holidays, but Cee, Ling, and two other guys - Ken and Darshan, who aren't here right now - all live here."
Xander felt his sister's curious glance when Kai said that he'd been spending a lot of time there, and, unsure of how to react, resolutely ignored it. "Where is Cee?" he asked.
"She's in the kitchen making brunch for everyone," Ling said. "She said she didn't get a chance to make something just for you, so she figured she'd make something for everyone. Go ahead out, we can finish up in here. I know Cee's excited to meet them."
"Brunch..." He gulped, eyes darting to Lexi and Jared before he motioned for them to follow him. He swung the kitchen door inwards and was immediately ensnared by the aroma of melted butter and cinnamon. Cee was at the stove, the flyaway coils of copper at her hairline curling wildly in the steam wafting up from the enormous frying pan full of scrambled eggs, griddle, and several towers of French toast spread out around her. She whirled around at the sound of their entrance and grinned.
"Good morning!" she exclaimed. She rested the spatulas she was holding on an empty plate and embraced both Lexi and Jared. "I'm Cee. It's so nice to meet you! I hope you guys are hungry."
Xander stared wide-eyed at Cee as the trio exchanged greetings.
"We totally are," Jared confessed, gazing longingly at the feast-in-progress. "We only had Pop-Tarts this morning before we left. That looks so great."
"Scrambled eggs and cinnamon raisin French toast. And there's fresh coffee, and I'll put some tea on as soon as I'm done here. Your brother said you guys had kind of a long drive?"
Lexi answered her but kept looking at Xander. "It's a little over four hours from Jared's house, but it's not a bad drive. It's nice scenery, and we listen to podcasts and play stupid games to pass the time. And that does look awesome, geez, thank you. It's so great to meet more of Xander's friends."
"Well I'm glad the drive went well - I'm glad you came! This will be ready in just a minute or so; you guys can have a seat. Puh-" Her teeth sunk into her lower lip, biting off the word before she finished, and she turned back to the stove. "Xander, could you get some glasses out of the cabinet next to the fridge, please?"
Cheeks burning, he silently opened the cabinet and set out six glasses as Lexi and Jared seated themselves at the kitchen table. "Um, do you guys want orange juice?" Both said yes, so he opened the refrigerator door to retrieve the carafe, hiding his face for a moment in the cool air blowing softly from inside and trying not to panic.
He shakily poured for them and was returning the carafe when he felt a soft tendril of Cee's energy reaching out to him. "Come here," it seemed to say. He looked at her, and she did speak aloud. "Hey, can you reach the big blue serving platter in the cabinet above the stove here for me?"
"Uh, sure." He moved over next to her, taking care not to get too close and to turn his body so that Lexi and Jared wouldn't see his left hand clutching the hem of his shirt in place beneath his belly as he stretched up to grab the cabinet knob with his right.
"Are you okay?" Cee murmured.
He didn't know if he could answer her, so he instead focused on maneuvering the large plate out of the cabinet one-handed.
"I know you're worried about the chairs. It's okay, I fixed one for you. The one to the left of where my mug is."
"You 'fixed' it? What does that mean?" he muttered, noticing the frantic edge to his own words.
"I'll show you later. But it'll be okay, I promise." Her fingers grazed his left forearm, and emerald- and coral-colored, rosemary-scented warmth flowed from her touch and into his pounding heart, and he relaxed fractionally. "Alright, eggs are done. Would you let Ling and Kai know the food is ready?"
He nodded, and ducked his head through the door to tell Ling and Kai to come in. With another gulp, he turned back to face Jared, who was rubbing his hands eagerly and complimenting the delicious smells as Cee placed the food-laden platters on the table, and Lexi, who was watching him, her head tilted and her eyes fixed on him in that way she had of making him feel completely transparent. But then she turned to Cee, smiling. "This looks so yummy, Cee. Is that homemade cinnamon raisin bread?"
The others entered the kitchen, and Kai poured coffee for Lexi, Jared, and himself while Ling prepared tea, Cee divvied up the plates and utensils, and Xander stood back, trying to stay out of everyone's way. But in a few moments everyone was settled at the table but him. "Come sit, Xander," she said, gesturing encouragingly to the chair at the head of the table.
At least she knew better than to try to put me between people, he thought ruefully. At least I won't hurt anyone when my hippo-ass destroys the chair and possibly puts a dent in the floor.
He felt Cee's stern frown before he saw it, and, resigned, reached out to pull the chair back from the table. A faint buzzing emanated from the wood, and he felt energy course beneath his hand. With a gulp and a wordless prayer, he lowered his bulk. He grimaced when he felt the way his ass and thighs eclipsed the entire surface area of the seat and hung over the sides, but - magically, extraordinarily, unbelievably - it held, without so much as a creak to protest the burden of his four hundred-plus pounds. He exhaled in shock, releasing a bit of the tension he'd been holding in his core, and glanced at Cee, who said nothing but smiled.
The congenial chatter of everyone getting to know each other floated around him as he focused on keeping his breath even and taking small, slow forkfuls of Cee's rich creations. He could tell she'd used heavy cream in both the French toast and the eggs, and he was having a difficult time controlling himself. Three of each, he told himself again and again, only three. Three is reasonable. That looks like three eggs, and three pieces of French toast. Three is reasonable. Only three. Ling and Jared seemed to be hitting it off, bonding over lacrosse, and Kai and Lexi were already deep in discussion over some recent archaeological dig in Turkey. Three is reasonable, then you stop.
Cee's hand grasped his thick thigh chub beneath the table, and he looked up from his plate to see her forehead scrunched with worry, and she tilted her head inquisitively. He shook his head and set his fork down, snatching up his glass and downing half of his water. He didn't pick his fork up again.
Soon everyone was groaning contentedly, claiming they couldn't eat another bite and thanking Cee for the meal. Cee hopped to her feet to clear the plates, her worried frown returning as she picked up Xander's, which was still-half-full, but saying nothing.
"Why don't you all go and chat? Kai and I can take care of the cleanup," Ling offered.
"No, come on...at least let us watch the dishes?" Lexi said.
Ling waved her hand dismissively. "Nope. You should go spend time together; I know Xander was disappointed he didn't get to see you for Christmas."
Lexi acquiesced, giving her brother a quick, sad glance, and Xander, conscious of the precise reason they hadn't been able to see each other for Christmas, looked away. You let yourself get so huge that you couldn't even go home, he reminded himself. You can't go home, probably not ever again, all because -
Cee's fingers pressed into the firm roll of love handle fat that swelled over his jeans waistband. "Would anyone like some more coffee, or maybe some tea? Jared? Lexi? Okay, you guys head in and have a seat, I'll bring some out. Xander, would you help me?" She pulled him around to face her as their guests exited the room. "You know that's not your fault," she whispered. "Please, don't start beating yourself up again...please." She smoothed her hands across his, their warmth heating his own cold, clammy grip.
"I know," he sighed.
"I know you know it's not your fault, but you need to believe it, too." Her grip tightened, then released. "Let's go enjoy our time with them, okay?"
Xander nodded, and helped Cee prepare a tray of coffee, tea, cream, sugar, honey, and lemon, and carried it into the living room, where Lexi and Jared were seated together on Xander's usual couch. He saw with relief that the largest piece of the taupe sectional, which had previously been languishing in the mostly-unused front corner of the room, had been situated adjacent to the green couch, and the wooden side chairs moved against the wall. He placed the tray on the enormous chest that served as a coffee table, and lowered himself onto the large sofa, thoughtlessly grabbing a throw pillow to shield his round torso as he settled.
"There we go, help yourselves," Cee told them. "Ling just made a fresh batch of her rose mint tea, it's incredible. There's lavender in it, too."
"Ooh, that sounds amazing," Lexi said, leaning away from Jared to take a mug. "She makes it herself?"
"Yeah, she's great with herbs and spices. She makes a homemade chai blend that is literally like drinking a mug full of autumn," Cee gushed as she plopped down next to Xander and scooted close. "Why do you have that? You're a better pillow than a pillow," she told him, as if he should have known better, and pulled the small cushion from his protective grasp. She settled into his soft side, and he was almost too preoccupied by the feeling of half the blood in his body rushing to his face to notice her curious glance at Jared before she finished getting comfortable.
Lexi opened her mouth and closed it, then opened it again. "So, how did you two meet?"
Cee sipped her tea before responding. "We had a class together last semester. British literature. It was ridiculously boring and I probably wouldn't have passed if it hadn't been for your brother helping me keep all those stuffy Englishmen straight."
"Oh, so you're in, like, a study group together?" She raised an eyebrow, and Xander felt her energy harden to a diamond-like cast.
"No, not really." Cee patted his thigh with her free hand, allowing her fingers to linger there, and a bit of her own power flowed into him as a warm, crackling swirl. His own force responded automatically to meet hers in sparks of emerald and indigo behind his closed eyes.
He heard Lexi make a small noise, and he opened his eyes to look at her. She sat back and snuggled into Jared, who wrapped his arm around her waist. "That's Xander, always keeping his poor little sister in the dark," she said lightly.
"I didn't..." he trailed off, not knowing how to explain when he wasn't even sure what the situation was.
Lexi laughed at his distress, twisting her long, dark braid between her fingers. "I'm just giving you shit, brother."
"It is her specialty," Jared added, grinning. Lexi dropped her braid and gave his head a gentle shove, and they both laughed, then kissed.
"So," Cee said, "Xander tells me there's a ring I should see?"
Lexi blushed prettily and held out her hand to show Cee and Xander the iridescent gem on her left ring finger, and Jared's smiled widened proudly. "It's exactly what I wanted."
"Oh, it's gorgeous! Is that scorolite? Did you pick it out, or did Jared?"
"Wow, you've got a good eye," Jared said. "Yup, it's scorolite, and we picked it out together a few weeks ago. There's a little artisan jeweler the next town over who does really unique stuff, that's where we found it."
"He told me we were going for ice cream. I still made him take me for ice cream afterwards, of course," Lexi explained, laughing.
"You know I would never deny you ice cream," he told her, and squeezed her in his arms again.
Xander felt Cee's energy flare up slightly as she wriggled closer to him, shifting so that the tops of her fingers were just touching the flab that gushed out onto his lap. Warmth clashed with the sickening thud of shame in his chest as he saw both Lexi's and Jared's eyes perceive the contact as they turned their heads back, and his mind blurted, Please no don't draw attention to how enormous I've gotten please don't I'm disgusting I already know you don't have to tell me please don't tell me please -
Cee twitched next to him and cleared her throat, keeping her hand where it was. "I'm really happy for you guys. So did you have anything planned for while you're here? I guess you've probably done most of the touristy things, right? The museum, the campus sculpture garden..."
"Yeah, I honestly just want to hang out," Lexi said.
Xander felt her gaze on him, but resolutely stared at the steam still rising from the spout of the teapot on the tray in front of him. You can't even lean forward to make yourself a cup of tea, the nasty voice jeered, because you'll have to struggle over your massive fucking gut and get out of breath and everyone will see and they'll be revolted by what a damn pig you are -
"It really sucked not getting to see you for Christmas..." she trailed off before continuing. "I feel like it's been forever since I've seen you. I mean, it kind of has. The last time we really got to spend time together was back at the beginning of August before I had to leave for camp."
"Oh, wow, I didn't realize you hadn't been back home at all this semester, Xander," Cee said.
"I...couldn't go." The voice's volume increased until it was a roar in his ears, so loud he barely heard what Lexi said next.
"I know you couldn't. It's okay. I just missed you, is all, so I want to spend time with you now. You know we wouldn't have had a good time at home, anyway. Mom doesn't even bake cookies anymore, not even snowflake sparkles."
"Your mom doesn't make Christmas cookies?" Cee asked incredulously. "We were up to our ears in de- um, our drama final and we still made Christmas cookies!" She gently rubbed his thigh, her fingers dipping farther beneath the roll of his belly for a moment before returning to the same spot. "Hey," she said, turning her face to his, "did you get to have your tea yet?"
Ling had determined that, to start, he should drink two mugs per day of a less potent version of the tea she'd been making for him, her "adjusted tri-level," she called it. He shook his head, embarrassment bubbling up inside him.
"Ooh, you get a special tea? Haha, special-ty," Jared cracked.
"Oh my gosh, you are the corniest," Lexi scolded him, giggling.
Cee patted his thigh and hopped to her feet. "Yeah, he was getting a cold, and Ling makes something that'll knock it right out of you before it gets bad," she lied easily. "I'll go grab it for you, and I'll bring out our Christmas cookies. I think we've digested enough for a few, right?" She gave him an encouraging smile before disappearing into the kitchen.
"I like her," Lexi stated, smiling softly and twisting her braid between her fingers as she tucked her legs beneath her. "You get the little sister seal of approval."
"Yeah, she seems great," Jared added. "I'm happy for you, man."
"We don't - I mean, I d-don't know..." he stuttered as his cheeks reddened further, "it's...there's n-nothing...official. Or whatever."
His sister scoffed. "Please. She's crazy about you. It's obvious. And Xander...please," she told him, "please stop blaming yourself. I don't blame you for staying here. You know it would have been completely miserable at home. It was miserable, that's why I left."
"Yeah, but if I hadn't -"
"Stop," she interrupted fiercely, leaning towards him. "No. Stop doing that. You deserve to be happy. I deserve to be happy. And our parents don't care. They want us to be what they want us to be because they're not happy. And making them happy is not our responsibility. But it is our responsibility to make ourselves happy, and I'm done feeling guilty for wanting that. You should be, too."
Xander stared past his sister and out the window at the perfect blue of the winter sky beyond the slightly rippled glass in the old panes as the truth of what she said found a crack in the wall of self-loathing that had automatically begun building itself up around his heart again after it had collapsed last night and resolutely started chipping away. He knew she was right. Of course she was. But he'd spent his whole life doing precisely what she'd called him out on, and he knew it would take another lifetime of constant vigilance and Herculean effort to stave off continued inner mutinies against himself.
But. Wasn't it worth it? He thought of waking up that morning, the scent of fire and rosemary filling his awareness and the warmth of Cee's hands gently vibrating into his skin even before the pale, golden light of the cold sun outside revealed her slight form wrapped around him. As if summoned, the kitchen door swung outward and she appeared, a steaming mug in one hand and a green ceramic plate piled high with cookies in the other, and smiled at him, and he thought, yes, I suppose it's worth it.
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